Masterpiece!! Joke

A guy was baptized and dipped in water 3 times.
After the third dip, the Priest said: “You are now baptized, you are a new creation. The old one is gone, no more drinking of alcohol for you. Your new name is Gomes.”
Gomes went back home and headed straight for the fridge. He took a Kingfisher Beer, dipped it in water 3 times and said: “You are now a new creation, the old one is gone. Your new name is Green Tea!”

Manager is a Manager (Just for Fun)

A wealthy manager was driving in his car when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed by the sight, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one man “Why are you eating grass?”

“We don’t have any money for food,” the poor man replied. “We have to eat grass.” “Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I’ll feed you” the manager said.

“But sir, I have a wife and five children with me. They are over there, under that tree”.

“Bring them along,” the manager replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, “You come with us also.”

The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, “But sir, I also have a wife and seven children with me!”

“Bring them all, as well,” the manager answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as it was.

One of the poor fellows turned to mr. Manager and said, “Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.”

The manager replied, “Glad to do it. You’ll really love my place; the grass is almost 1 meter high!”

Lesson: Never trust managers… They will take u to any extreme to finish their job. 😄😄😄😄

Dad is always a DAD!

A girl was with her father when she saw her boyfriend coming

GIRL: Have you come to collect your book titled “DADDY IS AT HOME?” by Ngozi Okafor
BOY: No, I want that your hymns book called “WHERE SHOULD I WAIT FOR YOU?”

GIRL: I don’t have that one but may be you should take the other one titled “UNDER THE MANGO
TREE” by Chimamanda Adichie
BOY: Fine, but don’t forget to bring “I WILL CALL YOU IN 5 MINUTES” while coming to school

GIRL: I will also bring you a new one too titled”I WON’T LET YOU DOWN” by Chinua Achebe

Then;

DAD: Those books are too many, will he read them all
GIRL: Yes dad, he is very smart intelligent

DAD: Okay don’t forget to give him the one on the table titled “I AM NOT STUPID, I UNDERSTOOD
EVERYTHING YOU’VE BEEN SAYING” by Shakespeare!

Jokes

Joke 1:

A little girl comes back home from school and tells her mom:
“Mommy, today I got punished for something I didn’t even do!”

“What?! What do you mean?” Her mother says, angry, “I’m going to call your teacher right now! What is it you didn’t do?”

“My homework.”

Joke 2:

A rich businessman walks down the street when he spots an old man sitting with a fishing rod next to a puddle, trying to fish.

The businessman takes pity on the old deranged man, and invited him to eat lunch with him at the coffee shop close by.

After the meal, the businessman asks him with a smile: “So? Did you catch any fish today?”

“Sure did,” answers the old man, “You’re my third one.”

 

Joke 3:

Mark spent a year in an asylum, thinking he was a mouse. After intensive therapy, he was released. 10 minutes later he appears back inside as if all hell broke loose.

“What happened to you??” Asked his surprised doctor.
“There’s a cat outside!” screams Mark.
“But Mark, I thought you got better! You know you’re not a mouse!” Cried the doctor.
“I do!” Exclaims Mark, “but he doesn’t know that!”

Joke 4:

Teacher: “Daniel, if you had a dollar in your hand and you asked your dad for another dollar, how many dollars would you have in your hand?”
Daniel: “A dollar.”
Teacher: “Daniel, apparently you don’t know math…”
Daniel: “Apparently you don’t know my dad.”

Really Bad Day! [Joke]

A guy at a bar was just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour. Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying.

The truck driver says, “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand to see a man cry.” “No, it’s not that. It’s just that this day is the worst of my life…

First, I fall asleep, and I get to my office late. My boss, outraged, fires me. When I leave the building, and head towards my car, I find out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave i t, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away.”

I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.”

Wonserful definitions

CIGARETTE:

A pinch of tobacco

rolled in paper

with fire at one end

and a fool at the other! 



MARRIAGE:

It’s an agreement

wherein

a man loses his bachelor degree

and a woman gains her master



LECTURE:

An art of transmitting Information

from the notes of the lecturer

to the notes of students

without passing through the minds

of either



CONFERENCE:

The confusion of one man

multiplied by the

number present



COMPROMISE:

The art of dividing

a cake in such a way that

everybody believes

he got the biggest piece



TEARS:

The hydraulic force by which

masculine will power is

defeated by feminine water-power!



DICTIONARY:

A place where divorce comes

before marriage



CONFERENCE ROOM:

A place where everybody talks,

nobody listens

and everybody disagrees later on



ECSTASY:

A feeling when you feel

you are going to feel

a feeling

you have never felt before



cl-assIC:

A book

which people praise,

but never read



SMILE:

A curve

that can set

a lot of things straight!



OFFICE:

A place

where you can relax

after your strenuous

home life



YAWN:

The only time

when some married men

ever get to open

their mouth



ETC:

A sign

to make others believe

that you know

more than

you actually do



COMMITTEE:

Individuals

who can do

nothing individually

and sit to decide

that nothing can be done

together



EXPERIENCE:

The name

men give

to their

Mistakes



ATOM BOMB:

An invention

to bring an end

to all

inventions



PHILOSOPHER:

A fool

who torments himself

during life,

to be spoken of

when dead



DIPLOMAT:

A person

who tells you

to go to hell

in such a way

that you actually look forward

to the trip



OPPORTUNIST:

A person

who starts taking bath

if he

accidentally falls

into a river



OPTIMIST:

A person

who while falling

from EIFFEL TOWER

says in midway

“SEE I AM NOT INJURED YET!”



PESSIMIST: 

A person

who says that

O is the last letter

in ZERO,

Instead of the first letter

in OPPORTUNITY



MISER:

A person

who lives poor

so that

he can die RICH!



FATHER:

A banker

provided by

nature



CRIMINAL:

A guy

no different

from the other,

unless he gets caught



BOSS:

Someone

who is early

when you are late

and late

when you are early



POLITICIAN:

One who

shakes your hand

before elections

and your Confidence

Later 



DOCTOR:

A person

who kills

your ills

by pills,

and kills you

by his bills..!!

Squirrel on pine tree (joke)

A squirrel is living in a pine tree, when one day it starts to shake
and rock so violently she almost fell down.

So was barely able to walk with holding on to the wood and
looks outside and he sees a large elephant trying to climb
up the tree.

“What the heck!” the squirrel exclaims. “What the heck do you
think you’re doing climbing up this tree, you almost had me
killed?”

The elephant responds. “I’m climbing up here to eat apples.”

The squirrel is befuddled. “You moron! This is a pine tree!
There are no apples here!”

The elephants stares at him for a moment before
replying, “I know. I brought my own.”