Your Horse Called Up!! Fun and Jokes

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the Head with a frying pan.

“What was that for?” the man asked.

The wife replied “That was for the piece of paper with the name Julie on it that I found in your pants pocket”.

The man then said “When I was at the races last week Julie was the name of the horse I bet on”

The wife apologized and went on with the housework.

Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.

Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.

Wife replied. “Your horse called up !!!!”

Top 10 Ways to Seem Smarter Than You Are‏

We all want to seem smart around workmates and acquaintances, but we often dont have the time to put in to further study to achieve this. Luckily, there are a few ways you can make yourself seem smarter with a minimum of effort. This is a list of the ten best tips for appearing smarter.

10. Learn a topic to debunk

The majority of “hot topics” are debated by people with very little knowledge of the subject. A good example of this is global warming – the majority of people you speak to on this subject will tell you how we must change our habits to prevent global warming, but few will know what anthropogenic global warming is. Spend a little time learning what the real experts on these faddish topics say and you simply cant go wrong. Try to remember some of the names of authors so you can quote them.

9. Improve your Vocabulary

The simplest way to do this is to subscribe to a word a day emailing list. Remember to ensure that you memorize the correct pronunciation and spelling of the new word or phrase. Perhaps you can start with mesonoxian, or any of the words on the� Top 10 Weird English Words.

8. Obscure Knowledge

By developing knowledge in a very obscure area, you are very unlikely to meet someone else with the same knowledge. This means you can wax lyrical for hours and it doesnt matter how many mistakes you make – no one will know, and you will seem ultra-smart. You might, for example, spend some time studying the early Egyptian dynasties (or an interesting character like Smenkhkare,) or the writings of early Christian writers. You can be sure that even the most staunch Southern Baptist fundamentalist has never heard of most of the “fathers of the Church, let alone read anything they wrote. Saint Igantius of Antioch is a good start; you can follow up with Athenagoras, Irenaeus, Origen, Novatian, and Polycarp. Great subject matter for the Atheist who wishes to debate against fundamentalists.

7. General Knowledge

This can be done very easily. Buy a Trivial Persuit (Genus Edition) and memorize one card before going to bed each night. In no time you will have a fount of general knowledge so immense that no one will dare debate you at Friday night drinks.

6. Ask Questions

The best way to use this trick is to ask questions when you already know the answer. This is a form of Irony when used in the right way; when the person you are questioning answers, you can ask a related question which will make it appear that you have taken in what they said, absorbed it, and wish to clarify an aspect of the topic. Additionally, when you are discussing a subject with someone who clearly knows less about it than you, you can ask questions that you know will make them stumble. This is particularly good if you have a large audience as everyone will be in awe of you. Make sure you are humble when the persons weakness shows.

5. Learn About Good Books

Sparknotes. I repeat, sparknotes. Use the short notes found on this site to get a broad overview of famous classic novels. You only need to learn enough to make it seem that you have read the book. For a decent classic you should be able to do this in 30 minutes or less. And who knows, you may find that you want to read the book and gain some real intelligence.

4. Watch Movies

Watch some classic movies that are both good and bad. These movies dont have to be silent movies, black and white, etc. Just good movies, fulfilling movies. Also, watch some bad movies. Someone who can spout off one or two good movies will sound either smart or fake. But someone who can state both good and bad movies, and justify why each is classified that way, will sound intelligent.

3. Learn Quotes

A great writer once said: Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone elses opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation. – while this is amusing, it is not entirely correct when trying to appear smarter. People will be utterly in awe of you if you can quote a famous line from poetry, a great play, or a witticism by a literarary master. There are a million sites on the internet that will help you to find quotations. Learn one a day. If you wish to learn a few lines of poetry, I recommend starting with Plath, Ginsberg, or Whitman; everyone knows who they are, but few will be able to quote them. Oh – the quotation I used here is by Oscar Wilde.

2. Use Words you Know

Nothing makes you looks more like an idiot than fumbling language. Stick to what you know! People will argue that tapes and books can teach you new words, but you still risk a terrible mistake. Learning new words can broaden your thinking and amplify your ability to communicate. However, doing so will open you up to appearing stupid, so you should stick with words you are 100% positive of pronunciation and meaning. Even if it takes you an entire extra sentence to explain a concept that one word would have clarified instantly, its totally worth it.

1. Be Quiet

Quite simply, the less you say, the less you can say wrong. Oh, and smile and nod knowingly.

Precious Stone (Short and Inspiring Story)

A wise woman who was traveling in the mountains found a precious stone in a stream.

The next day she met another traveler who was hungry, and the wise woman opened her bag to share her food. The hungry traveler saw the precious stone and asked the woman to give it to him. She did so without hesitation.

The traveler left, rejoicing in his good fortune. He knew the stone was worth enough to give him security for a lifetime. But a few days later he came back to return the stone to the wise woman.

“I’ve been thinking,” he said,”I know how valuable the stone is, but I give it back in the hope that you can give me something even more precious. Give me what you have within you that enabled you to give me something more precious. Give me what you have within you that enabled you to give me the stone.

Moral : All the treasures in our world not worth the noble feelings that we carry within ourselves to others.

Why the Busiest People Are Always on Time‏?

Busy people are organized because they keep things in priority. Ever wonder why busy people are always on time

Do you know people who are always late? Regardless of the event, I have friends that are always 30 minutes late. Everyone has just as many hours in the day as everybody else does, so why are some on time and others not?

Psychologists would say those who are fashionably late want to be in control or want to make an entrance so they can be the center of attention. I used to see it as being inconsiderate or wanting to show off. I think if those people wanted to be on time they could, but for whatever reason, they aren’t. But for me, when I’m running late it’s a time management issue.

Time management is learned. You can’t buy it, you aren’t born with it, and nobody else can give it to you as a gift. You have to work on it. If it’s a priority to you you’ll make it happen.

Here’s what Time Management is to me…knowing the difference between when you have time to do something and when you don’t …that is time management. Time management is the key ingredient for busy people who seem to get more done and become more successful. Ironically it’s the busy people who have more leisure time for themselves. What? I don’t understand how when you are busy, busy, busy, that you can have more time for yourself. It’s Time Management.

During the course of the business day when someone wants to stop you and chat, busy people will say, ‘I’ve got to go now or I’ll be late, sorry, catch up with you later.’ What they are saying is, ‘I’ve got to respect my time and the commitments I’ve made. I need to do this now, because I’m busy and won’t be able to do it later if I stop and chat with you.’

# 1 Plan Ahead.

Busy people have a plan. They write it down on a Day-Timer or calendar. They have a schedule and they have personal things scheduled months in advance and meetings planned days and weeks in advance. They make sure there’s room for impromptu meetings, hallway chats, paperwork, research and whatever they need to do because it’s on the schedule.�

# 2 Prioritize

They respect their plan and prioritize accordingly. Busy people put a good deal of thought into their time and schedule. Isn’t it interesting that the more time you spend thinking and planning about how to use your time, the more time you have?

# 3 Delegate

Busy people effectively delegate tasks both at the office and at home. If a busy person volunteers to organize or chair a fundraiser event, they eagerly delegate to others so as not to clog up their personal or business plans.

# 4 Don’t Procrastinate

More importantly they don’t put off tasks they can do right now, I mean right here and right now, today, not after lunch, now.

When I’m late to a meeting and running behind time, it’s usually my fault. I was either on the phone chatting, on the Internet goofing off, or was not paying attention to the time and my schedule. That’s when I go back, look at my plan, my priorities and how I may have procrastinated.

The best of the Wrost!!! Fun

We shall never know the identity of the man who in 1976 made the most unsuccessful hijack attempt ever. On a flight across America, he rose from his seat, drew gun and took the stewardess hostage.
‘Take me to Detroit,’ he demanded.
‘We’re already going to Detroit,’ she replied.
‘Oh … good,’ he said, and sat down again.
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In August 1975 three men were on their way in to rob the Royal Bank of Scotland at Rothesay, when they got stuck in the revolving doors. They had to be helped free by the staff and, after thanking everyone, sheepishly left the building.
A few minutes later they returned and announced their intention of robbing the bank, but none of the staff believed them.
When they demanded 5,000 pounds in cash, the head cashier laughed at them, convinced that it was a practical joke.. Then one of the men jumped over the counter, but fell to the floor clutching his ankle. The other two tried to make their getaway, but got trapped in the revolving doors again.
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During the firemen’s strike of 1978, the British Army had taken over emergency fire fighting and on 14 January they were called out by an elderly lady in South London to retrieve her cat which had trapped up a tree.
They arrived with impressive haste and soon discharged their duty. So grateful was the lady that she invited them all in for tea. Driving off later, with fond farewells completed, they ran over the cat and killed it!!
———— ——— ——— ———— ——— ——— ———— ——— ——
This is the best lawyer story of the year, decade, and probably the century.
A Charlotte, NC, lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, and then insured them against fire among other things. Within a month having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.
In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost ‘in a series of small fires.’
The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued and won!
In delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The Judge stated, nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire, and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the ‘fires.’
NOW FOR THE BEST PART… After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!!
With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.
This is a true story and was the 1st place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.